All Star Mom: Candi- " I used to feel guilty for having a clean home"

Meet Candi! She is a mom of 2 boys, a beautiful wife, a twin, a dental hygienist and a great friend. If I had to nominate someone for Mother of the Year, it would be her! She is so uplifting and inspiring. She is constantly trying to improve herself and better her home and family. She gives several resources that help make her life easier, which several of the programs she uses I can attest to, as I use several of them myself.

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I Used to Feel Guilty For Having a Clean Home

This is me and my first born son. I smile when I look at this photo because I had no idea the journey that would take place. 

I sat down looking across the table at a therapist wearing a bright yellow cardigan, a crisp navy-blue button down shirt, perfectly curled hair and a bubble necklace with coordinating ballet flats.  I nervously smiled as I told her a little about myself and explained that I wasn’t sure if I needed to be seeing a counselor or a life coach.

Then I blurted out “I feel guilty for having a clean house!!” (The look she gave me confirmed that I indeed was in the right place!)

I started talking about the guilt I felt as a mother, not for what I was doing, but for what I wasn’t doing.  If I cleaned my house then I felt guilty for not giving attention to my kids, if I was reading a book I felt guilty for not serving my neighbors and I went on&on&on…  She blurted out “that sounds exhausting!” I assured her it really was!

Most of all I felt guilty that I didn’t feel present and I feared I was going to miss my children’s childhoods…I would hear moms make comments like “forget the dishes and burn the to-do list- don’t pass up making a memory with your child”.   And “your children are small once, you’ll regret doing anything but cherishing your time with them.” 

So I would do just that, leave the dishes…only to spend twice as long later scrubbing dried food off pans.  I would rip up my to-do list-only to have an overwhelming feeling looming over me that I was forgetting something (and inevitable crisis when I actually did forget something important!)

Every time I would put my hands in the sudsy water to do dishes I would have a wave of panic wash over me…..What memory am I missing?! , I’m a horrible mom I would comment to myself.  I would begrudgingly leave the dishes and sit by my two year old, who was happily playing trains by himself, not really wanting me to join in.  I would try to join in and be completely present but couldn’t shake the distractions and turmoil swirling around me.  I would get to the point where I couldn’t stand it any longer and I would clean& clean& clean (and feel like a horrible mom the whole time).

After one cleaning spirt a well meaning friend commented on how clean my home was. She went on to say that she used to have a clean house like mine, but decided it was more important to spend time with her kids. 

 I wondered how she was able to do that and why I couldn’t.   On one hand I felt self-conscious if my home was clean and on theother self-conscious if it wasn’t.

Then a miracle happened when I learned the concept of Practices vs. Principals, it just clicked! My guilt was lifted, I felt free..I realized that I had been so consumed with the practice of how other moms were being present with their families that I had lost focus of the actual principal I was shooting for.

I once heard “in motherhood we are all in the same ocean but different boats” No two mothers lives are the same and there are a million different practices to be a mom that is mindful and present with her family.

I decided to do what worked for my unique personality, family and circumstances and not what worked for another mom.

I found that I work best by having trusty systems and routines that allow me to maintain life and not feel like I have to do everything at once.

Here are the practices that work for me to reach the principal of being present (and the beautiful thing is something totally different might work better for you).   

I use the Mind Organization for Moms program to bring order to my paperwork and to file all of my ideas.  I cannot explain the freedom that my brain has knowing that no ideas or tasks will get lost but instead moved forward when its convenient for me.  Imagine not having anything on your brain!!! It's awesome!! http://powerofmoms.com/previous-store/m-o-m/

*I’ve involved my whole family in this simple cleaning schedule. I find freedom in quickly spending time each morning and evening. We tweaked it a bit (I do a load of laundry most days and sometimes do the daily chores on Saturdays) but we always do the morning and evening chores. My home is tidy and it isn't a big deal to maintain.

http://littlegreennotebook.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2012-03-07T05:30:00-05:00&max-results=3&m=1

*My husband and I use the YNAB budgeting system for our finances. 

http://www.youneedabudget.com/?utm_source=msn&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=(roi)+branded&utm_content=ynab&utm_term=ynab

*I have menu plan now with theme days and 7-10 recipes in a binder for each day (Mon.=Healthy, Tue.=Mexican, Wed= Breakfast, Thurs=Comfort, Fri=Pizza, Sat= Grill and Sun=Crockpot).  I remember the principal behind family meals is gathering and connecting. I do like having well balanced meals but the consistently connecting is what's the most important 

*I spend a ½ hour each evening rotating between different areas that need attention. My counselor really stressed that I can't do everything at the same time. I found instead of using my discretionary time each evening on social media that rotating between important items gives me a whole lot more balance.  (Mon= Finances,  Tues=Parenting, Wed=My career, Thur=Menu, Fri= DATE, Sat=Reading, Sun=Planning  the week.)

*I ground my self each day with connecting with my Heavenly Father through prayer and scripture study and exercising. Mike and I also spend time each evening praying, studying scriptures together and talking. We watch a 10 minute parenting class from Amy Mcreedy and spend 30 seconds checking in on our finances http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com

*My husband and I were inspired by this blog to calendar out our entire year to make sure essential things took place in our lives. And I found this awesome planner.

http://funcheaporfree.com/2014/01/stay-1-step-ahead-of-life/

http://mormonmomplanner.blogspot.com/?m= 

I found that not having to worry about forgetting something important, how much money we had, what we were going to have for dinner, if we had any clean dishes/ laundry, my career or key relationships made a huge difference.  The idea of “keeping up” instead of feeling like I had to “catch up” works for me.  

A few days ago I set up a shoelace and cheerios for my toddler to string.  The activity didn’t go as planned.  As I began showing my little boy how to string cheerios he began eating them as fast as I could string.  My immediate reaction was to make him stop and string the shoelace properly, but I paused and quietly whispered “choose the principal over the practice”.  The principle behind me sitting down with him was to feel close  and strengthen our relationship.   I didn’t allow myself to get caught with the actual practice of stringing cheerios.  I spent 10 minutes stringing while he giggled and ate and I felt peaceful, clear, focused and best of all present. 

All-Star Sunday: Thoughts from a new mom!

 This week's All-Star mom is a good friend of mine, Kelsey. Her and her husband were one of our first... well only friends really, at our old place. We were so sad to see them move away. She is the sweetest and sat with me at church when we were new. She and I would do crafts together and I loved that time I got to know her. She wanted to a mother more than anything, so when we heard she was expecting her handsome little man we were thrilled for them! Here are a few thoughts from a  "new" mom, but "All-Star" mom!

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Being a mom is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It's tiring, emotional, stressful, and time consuming. Everyone always told me how great it is, and what a great mom you will be, but never how hard it is to  actually raise a child!

Having said that, being a mom is the most rewarding, joyful, love filled experience I have ever been through. Waking up and peeking over his crib to see his big smiles, is the best part of my day. It's crazy how much I can love someone and I have only known him 4 months! It has brought my husband and I closer, and filled our lives with so much happiness. We love our little Corbin!

All-Star Sunday: Little Cuts & Bruises by Danielle Corrigan

I met Danielle when I worked at the front desk of a dental hygiene college as she was a student there. I was also happy to see a face I recognized at church as well. I really wish she still lived close by so our kids could be friends as they are both close in age to my two little ones. I have enjoyed staying up to date with her and her little family via social media. She is a mom who enjoys motherhood and embraces all it has to offer!

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I am a Mom of two kids.  My daughter will be 3 in December and my son will be 9 months old in a few days. My husband and I waited 5 years before we had kids. For a number of reasons. One of them (for me, at least) was wanting to learn more patience before raising children. I have never had very much patience. I am obsessive, compulsive about a number of things, am stubborn, particular, and very structured. Maybe it comes with being an oldest child, with the added fact that I went through my parent's divorce before I was 4 and then my Mother's re-marriage when I was almost 7. The re-marriage was a very GOOD thing, mind you. But going through both of those things probably added to my spicy personality when I was a child. In any case, I do not believe that patience is a personality trait. I think that it is a characteristic that one acquires and develops through life experience. Like wisdom. I guess that means that I don't think I will ever achieve the level of patience and wisdom that I desire until I am a ripe, old age. Oh, dear. It's a good thing we decided not to wait to have children until then, right?!

This is how I have recognized my developing patience:

Tonight after my daughter got out of her bath and I was putting lotion on her legs, I once again noticed all of the little marks on her knees, little scratches and bruises scattered all over. So then I thought to myself, she is one active child. Which then made me think that I don't remember her crying about any one of those little scratches and bruises. I think the most recent one she fussed about...I kissed, put a band-aid on, and that was it. They are all just a result of being a kid and having fun. So all of this made me think about how many times I feel scratched and bruised from the rigorous journey of being a Mom. But how they don't make me cry, because they are a result of being a Mom and having the time of my life. Alright, so maybe sometimes they make me cry a little bit, but that's okay too. As I would tell my daughter, sometimes we fall down or go "bonk", but we can learn from it, put a band-aid on it, and it will be alright.  

Here is a glimpse of what this Mom sees in the mirror most nights-

- I see spit up strewn on my shirt, that just so happens to be the one I slept in the previous night.

- I see tasseled hair, that looks as if my bed head was never tended to. Or just a messy ponytail.

- I see dark circles under tired eyes. And teeth that need to be whitened. 

- Then I get an odor up my nose, from my hand, as I brush my teeth. One that resembles the messy diaper 

from hours earlier. (Even though I have washed my hands so many times that they are cracked and near bleeding). Maybe the odor is coming from my shirt. I don't really know.

- So then I want to jump into the shower. But only after I clean my bathroom at 11pm at night because it won't be getting any attention the following morning. Plus, I would stink again after cleaning, so the shower has to wait until nearly midnight. After I finish some late night chores, take a shower, and finally crawl into bed..I wonder when my ongoing Mommy-brain will ever calm down enough for me to fall asleep. (This could be another blog post entirely...Mom-insomnia. I used to sleep like a rock).  Before it does, I think about how much I love my kids. I think about how I would endure endless scratches and bruises to ensure their happiness. How I wouldn't trade anything for them. Even fancy clothes, fixed hair, a facial/manicure/pedicure, and a kept house. Yes, sometimes those things are necessary and even do able. But that's beside the point. 

- I think about how the spit up on my shirt reminds me of my cute baby boy who lets me hold him, snuggle him, and kiss him endlessly. 

- I think about how my frumpy clothes that I wear all the time indicate that I expect to get down on the floor and play with my kids. 

- I think about how my messy hair is from my daughter's piggy back ride and our wrestling match.

- I think about my dark circles under my eyes that represent the fact that I am there for my kids at night. Whether it's teething, sickness, cold, hot, thirsty, scared, or potty. I am there. And I am lucky enough to have them be there. (UPDATE: One of the littles had a whimpering episode as I was writing this! Had to go settle her down...ok maybe my husband did since I was writing this. Which is also another could-be blog post, Helpful Husbands).

- Then I think about cleaning and showering late at night when everyone is asleep...and am reminded that I chose to spend the day being a present Mommy. 

Lastly, I think about how I feel like I have imaginary scratches and bruises all over my mind and body from running this ongoing Mommy-marathon. A marathon that is SO WORTH IT. I will miss every. single. one. of these moments some day. One day, when I am old enough to look at myself in the mirror and think, "Look at that well-groomed, patient, wise woman!"....I will wish I had some spit up on my shirt. 

All Star Sunday: Single & Strong

This next mom is definitely an "All Star". I met Jessica about 8 years ago working at a preschool together. I'm not sure if she remembers this, but one day she told me she had stinky feet and she took off her shoe for me to smell. I did. Don't ask me why, but I sure am glad I did, because she told me later that that was when she fell in love with me and I knew at that moment that I smelt her stinky shoe that we would be life long friends! Jessica is witty, funny, sarcastic, fun to be around, honest, loyal and compassionate. She has been the greatest friend and is an awesome mom. Let me just say how I much I admire and respect her. She has picked up her broken pieces and stayed strong for her two beautiful children, has gone back to school and back to work and is creating a life with them. She is one remarkable woman and mother!

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Hi! My name is Jessica! I'm a single mom of two! I have a five year old boy and a one year old girl. I wasn't always a single mom. I had the guy, the house, the dog I thought what I had was the perfect "family" never did I think that one day I would be doing this parent thing ALL alone. 

Being a mom in general is hard, but being a " single" mom has its own set of challenges. From trying to figure out how your going to pay from one thing to the next or having the 2:00am screaming baby while the other one wets the bed! It's your turn honey! O! Wait! I'm a " single" mom! It's my turn. Lol O! And lets not forget going out and seeing the cut little family that you once had, that's always fun. That's just SOME of the stuff that " single" moms go through!

 "How do you get through it? How do you make time for yourself?" I know with me, the way I get through it is:

  

#1 I pray! I pray that God gives me the patients for another day. 

#2 I tell myself that everything happens for a reason... I truly believe that.

#3 I find time for myself! That's so important! Sometimes being a mom can feel monotonous and make you feel like you have lost yourself. I always try everyday to take some " ME" time. Even if its 20 min, it's still MY 20 min. When my one year old takes her nap I sometimes paint my nails or catch up on my DVR or scroll Facebook. Or when the kids are in bed I take a nice hot bath. 

If being a single mom has taught me anything it has taught me that me and my kids can ALWAYS count on each other! That we may be little and broken, but we are still a family! And it has taught me that I am so amazingly strong! That they (my kids) have forced me to do things that I never thought I could possibly do! So my hat goes off to ALL you single moms out there!! We are AMAZING!

All Star Sunday: 5 Helpful Tidbits to Motherhood

I have never actually met Cate in real life, although I feel like I have and I feel like she is an old friend since I know her twin sister Candi. I also secretly, not so secretly, have stocked her blogged and admired her mothering and honesty. She is a wonderful writer and a wonderful mother of " a little boy who is busier than a bee and sweeter than honey with a laugh that is completely and utterly contagious and a sweet little girl who is like sunshine to our soul on the very rainiest of days."  . You can follow her at http://www.thetwinbook.com. She and I have agreed that if we lived closer, we surely would be real life friends! I hope you are as inspired as I am when reading her thoughts and feelings.

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There is something about a large round belly or a toddler in tow that attracts advice giving people. Most of the time I love it! Oh sure there are times when it isn't quite as well received or dare I say even welcome? 

But since a few of the tips and tricks others have so willingly shared have completely changed the way I try to parent my two small children I have come to appreciate the advice from others. I am the first to admit that I don't know what the heck I am doing!!

These are my top 5 favorite tidbits: enjoy.

1. When you are at your wits ends with your children spouse love them more. I will grab my rambunctious 3 year old and squeeze him and say "I love you to much to let you do that." 

2. Take a breath before you react. So simple right? Yet the effect is profound. In that split second I am able to save my children from myself. I respond to them a bit calmer and not with a swat on the bottom ;)

3. Tell your child what you would like to happen not what you don't want to happen. Example "Keep the milk in your cup please." Instead of " don't spill your milk." Because guess what as soon as you say the second phrase guess where the milk goes.....This one has been tricky for me but I am improving!

4. In a study I read it mentioned that there are 9 minutes in every day that have the greatest impact on a child. The first 3 minutes of your childs day, when you first greet them after  school or for younger children after a nap and then the last 3 minutes before you say good night. This is the time to touch them and make happy.

5. The last thing actually takes 10 minutes but has made THE biggest impact friends and that is having 10 minutes with out any distractions where you are simply with your child. You are at their level, letting them take the lead. There is nothing  or nobody more important in those few moments then them. They lead and you follow = them feeling so incredibly loved and connected almost magically improving their behavior. MAGIC! 

My favorite mothering websites are:

-Power of Moms (They Leave you feeling empowered and excited about motherhood)

-Positive Parenting solutions (that lady has the answers to everything!)

Favorite books:

- Deliberate motherhood 12 powers

-The 10 basic principles of good parenting

-Duct tape parenting (I have yet to read this one but have only heard wonderful things)

All Star Mom: Finding a Balance

This next All Star mom that has agreed to guest post for us, is a mother of three princesses. When I began working with her she was a mother of one and I was a newlywed. About 6 months later I was expecting our Sage girl and she was pregnant with her second. Gevenvive and Sage are a day apart. Janine was a few doors down from me and stopped by to visit on her way of checking out of the hospital. I was sad to say goodbye to her when she moved just a few months later. I sure wish we lived closer so our girls could be friends. Janine is such an eloquent writer and writes as honest as she is in her day to day relationships, which is one of the things I love about her. She claims motherhood has not come naturally for her, but she sure is an awesome mom! To read more of her story go on over and follow her at A Handful of Peanuts!

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I had an interesting conversation with my brother a couple of months ago while kayaking on the Pacific Ocean. We had been talking about my family and how having kids has changed me, for good and for bad, and my brother interrupted the conversation to say, “Janine, do you know what I admire about Tim? He always has and always will put you first, before anything or anyone else, especially the kids.”

When I asked him if he thought I did the same for Tim, he quickly replied, “Not always. You put your kids first a lot.” At first, his comment struck me as direct and hurtful, but after some time and consideration, I realized he had a point, and I needed to change.

I have had three girls and one miscarriage in five years, and I have only been married for six years. My girls have come mostly unexpectedly, with the exception of my Genevieve, and I have had to assume all the motherhood duties and roles rather quickly. Motherhood has not come easily or naturally for me. I have had to work at it every single day.

I have always felt like I am up to my ears in spit-up, poop, paint/marker stains, muddy shoe prints so it was easy to fall into a routine of putting my children first. I felt like I had to do so much for them that my husband would just understand and appreciate all that I do for everyone, and while he does appreciate all I do, he too has echoed my brother’s words and asked me to remember him.

And so I started changing my routines and habits. For the past two months, I have put my husband first. When he comes in the door from work, I stop whatever I’m doing and walk over to him and give him a kiss. When his favorite football team is playing, I try and take the girls outside so he can enjoy the game without interruption. When I see his tired eyes from working 11-hour shifts, I offer to put the kids to bed, even though it is generally his duty. Aside from doing small things around the house, we have also started dating each other again this year.

Our goal is to go on one date each month, but we average two or three. We explore different things on our dates, and we try to satisfy each other’s interests. Our marriage is so much stronger than it was even three months ago just because we are putting each other first.

Family life is busy, and it can be overwhelming. As moms we have to accomplish a thousand little tasks each day, the least of which is maintaining a healthy marriage. I have been a stay-at-home mom for two and half years and have finally found a way to balance my husband, my kids, my chores, my part-time work and my interests, although I should admit that I am still working finding time to enjoy more of my interests.

I believe every home and family is built differently so my ideas are solely based on my experience, but I can tell you that they work. I do all my major chores before 8am, and I enlist the help of my older girls when any chore involves their room or bathroom. I read my books (whether they be of a spiritual nature or not) before I start my part-time editing job so that I educate myself everyday. I mostly work when the girls go to bed at night so that I can be with them when they are awake during the day, but I will admit that I do work during naptime if needed. Generally I make dinner while my girls nap, and I always do the dishes before the girls go to bed. I exercise four to five times a week during the hour between Tim’s arrival from work and dinner.

My life is in a constant state of motion. I rest when I can, but for the most part, I am always doing something. Every few months I have to assess my routine and change things as necessary. Recently, I felt like my life was off balance. After looking over my days, I realized I needed to distance myself from social media. I deleted my Facebook account because I found myself checking it too often, and once I started checking FB, I found myself checking my mail, my Instagram, the Internet, etc more than needed.

It was as if I gained my life back in one instant. Balance was restored. Life is all about checks and balances. If you are out of sync in your personal life, marriage, family life, church life, social life, I would encourage you to see what things you can do to find a balance. I truly believe I am the happiest when I am balanced.

All Star Mom: Jessie on "How do you like being a mother?"

I am going to be featuring an "All Star Mom each Sunday. The first mom I would like to feature is a friend/past missionary companion of mine from when I served a mission in Spain with my church. She has a little girl name Skye who is absolutely adorable and who is almost 6 months old; she is the owner/founder and artistic director of Wasatch Contemporary Dance Company. She is an office manager of a student housing complex in Provo and juggles everything with such grace. She is a great example to me of a mom who absolutely loves and adores her babe, but that still finds time for herself and the things that make her "Jessie" and that make her the best mom she can be.

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How do you like being a mother? Did any of you get this question when you first became a mother? I feel like I get it pretty frequently and I honestly don’t know how to respond to it. And this is why…

I feel like this question is pretty much the same thing as asking, “Do you like being alive?” 

“Uh, well, I sure wouldn’t pick the alternative but there sure are some things that suck in life.” I sure wouldn’t ever want Skye to not be in my life, but there are some things about being a mom that just are no fun and no one will ever like doing.

I guess it depends on what your definition of being a mother is that determines how you would respond to this question. If you think being a mother is never getting continuous 8 hours of sleep EVER again, changing the most foul smelling diapers, and having every outfit you own stained by spit up, then no, being a mother is not very fun. If you define being a mother as getting to watch front row a tiny human discover everything for the first time, having a tiny little buddy to do everything with, and being the cheerleader for every big milestone and “first”, then yes, being a mother is awesome.

I have to admit the reason I am probably a little miffed about how to answer the “Do you like being a mother?” question is because I grew up my whole life thinking that being a mother was defined by no sleep, foul diapers, and spit up, as well as sacrificing everything you want to do and your whole personality so you could do everything for young people that don’t appreciate you. Not sure where I inherited such a bad outlook on motherhood since I myself have an awesome mom, but I was terrified of having kids and sure that I would be unhappy as a mother. To make a long story short, I finally began to see  motherhood as a divine and SUPER IMPORTANT role when I served my mission in Spain from June 2009-November 2010. Even began to think that maybe I could enjoy being a mom someday. And so it was with great joy and anticipation that both LJ and I looked forward to becoming parents when we decided to start down that road.

Now I am a mother and some of my fears were legit – it IS a hard balance to care for your child and maintain the things about yourself that make you YOU. Once used to getting lists and lists of things done everyday, I have to settle for only checking off one or MAYBE two things off my To Do list everyday.  I can’t keep the house as nice as I used to. Getting out to go running by myself takes a LOT more coordination than before. But I do still run my dance company, attending dance rehearsals 4 days a week, as well as shopping for costumes, teaching dance to high school students occasionally, meeting with assistants, choreographers, designers, and the theater, and choreographing 2-4 pieces per concert. It’s enough to make a grown woman crazy, but it’s important to me that I maintain this important part of myself. Yes, it takes time away from my baby and I, but I am a better mom because I get to continue dancing and creating. Because I’m still fulfilling those important parts of myself, I am happier, more fulfilled, and feel good about myself.

I guess the answer I want to give to the “Do you like being a mother” question is this:

I love Skye. I love spending time with her and watching her grow and develop. I am most happy when LJ and I are both playing with her, relaxing on the weekends, not worrying about LJ’s homework, a disaster at work, or that I can’t find an affordable costume for this one particular dance. I love her so much. But I also hate spit up. And poopy diapers. And I can’t stand that leaving the house to do something as easy as grocery shopping has become a feat comparable to Everest. But I work hard balancing those things with the positive creative outlets in my life so that I don’t become consumed with spit up and diapers and all of a sudden become defined by those things. Becoming a mother didn’t change my personality, it didn’t even change who I am. I’m just me, Same old me. So while a lot of things and tasks in my life have changed since having a baby, I am still Jessie. I just have this beautiful little girl in my life now that gets all my love. And thanks to the support of my wonderful husband and my awesome company assistants, I get to “fill my well” every day with the things that help me feel like me so I can keep giving and giving to my daughter.